Peeing Lessons

I'm not giving them. I'm actually in need of them.

I am specifically in search of tips on how to pee in a public bathroom and NOT get sprayed in the ass with dirty toilet water. Maybe there is some kind of protocol for sitting on a toilet and not activating the automatic flusher that no one ever told me. I'm dying to know the secret.

Every time I use one of these mystifying contraptions,(which is VERY rarely because I'm more of a go at home kind of girl) I am just sitting there takin care of business and WHAM! toilet water spraying all over my ass. They just randomly decide to flush and simultaneously scare the shit out of me and give me an unwanted mist of germ water.

I think the "hover not cover" technique combined with my not so wonderful balance has something to do with it. I'm always in a half tip-toed squatting down position that inevitably results in some off balance moments that make the toilet think I'm getting up and so it flushes, but I'm not done. I tried to adopt a go at home only policy which mostly worked, but having a fetus dancing on your bladder all day doesn't really leave you much room to decide when or where you are gonna go.

We are trying to potty train my daughter right now. I may need to enlist some help because I am obviously not the best woman for the job.

I'm being attacked!

Right now at work I am being driven crazy by fruit flies. Tiny, little, disgusting fruit flies that just keep coming back for more no matter how many of them I kill. I spend my work days swatting them away, smashing them on my desk, and waving my arms around to get them out of my face. I look like a total psycho.

Some moron at my office bought a CASE ( yes, he needed an entire case!!!) of bananas AND a case of pineapples to work the other day. It seems he was hanging out at the local gas station when a guy came in with an offer that was too sweet to pass up. He got the two cases of fruit and some other random groceries that "fell off the back of a truck" for $20. That's how I do all of my grocery shopping: from strangers at the gas station.

After scoring this sweet deal, he brings it to work with him. This joker filled our tiny little mini fridge with premixed salad greens, salsa, yogurt, and random other food he purchased at the gas station leaving no room for anyone else to put their lunches in there. Then he puts the cases of fruit on the kitchen floor, and just leaves all the crap there in our work kitchen. Since there are not too many people in our office, and we're not too big on cutting up whole pineapples to snack on, this fruit has just been sitting on the kitchen floor getting all kinds of nasty for the last week until the cleaning lady couldn't take it anymore and threw whatever was left away.

And now I am being attacked by fruit flies at my desk.

The worst part of this whole fruit fly infestation is that they seem to be only bothering me. I don't see any of my co-workers swatting and killing the little bastards while they sit at their desks. Wtf?? Something about me is attracting the little buggers. So, if anyone knows how torepel fruit flies I would be glad to know.

They call him Flipper

So, I am currently pregnant for the second time. Right now I am 13 weeks pregnant which means that baby #2 is the size of a medium goldfish. This particular size comparison cracks me up. Comparing your fetus to fruit is bad enough, but a medium goldfish?? Just call him "Flipper". Flipper may have to do, we really haven't thought of anything to call this baby while it is in utero. We weren't exactly creative with the last one either, we just called her "Hey Baby". My daughter did give one suggestion. She thinks there are two babies in there(she is wrong by the way) and she named them Manny and Ellie. Those are the names of the wooly mammoth dinosaurs from Ice Age (Ray Romano and Queen Latifa). I'm not sold on the whole Manny and Ellie idea, but I'm not ready to settle on flipper either. We are going to have to come up with something, so the search continues.

My daughter is two and a half and she is really an awesome kid. She is very funny and pretty smart for a two year old. She makes me feel all "Yeah I made her myself. I'm awesome." You would think I would be way excited to produce another one, but for some reason the thought of having a second baby is freaking me the hell out. The whole thing is making me wonder if I can live up to the pressure. I mean one tiny human that my husband and I have to take care of is hard enough, two of them is twice as bad. Just the thought of it makes me nervous, and fairly certain I will never sleep again.

If there was one area of parenting we failed miserably at it would be the part where you teach the kid to sleep in their own damn bed. First of all my daughter never (and I do mean NEVER) slept through the night. She is soon to be three and still wakes up at least once a night. Every time I hear a parent talking about "Oh my two week old sleeps 15 hours in a row, and doesn't need any bottles, and never wakes up crying." It takes everything in me to restrain myself from punching them in the throat. Secondly, we never got her to sleep in her own bed. She slept in a crib just fine, but once she was big enough to crawl out of it we were never alone again. It's a miracle we are even having a second baby since we have a 25 pound lump of two year old between us every night. I am really hoping to be better at this whole sleeping thing the second time around. Not too sure it's gonna work.